they're fireflies, spike.Yeah, we did, Spike.
So I got quite suicidal tonight. I'm not completely out of the danger zone yet. I'm not surprised. I bottle things, stress over things, things that have happened long ago and still continue to. Why? I don't know. Take my expectations on grades, for example. I don't know why I now have to have A's, but if I don't get one I feel angry. Unrealistic expectations, yeah, but I make them happen. I don't even know when that started or why, either. Maybe it's because, when I hit college, I shocked people with my grades (which I didn't have as strict expectations on in high school). I guess not everyone gets A's or A+'s in every college course they've had to date. Some were really hard, too, like Ethics in Philosophy. I guess I only spoke the Greek in the room, cause outside it I tended to forget the meanings of all those long-winded sentences. So maybe I have these standards because of reactions to my drive to succeed. Still don't know. What our inner children do for praise, to feel they belong, is sometimes so taxing on us.
What I do know is that at least this handful of people got upset when I said I didn't want/was hoping I wasn't going to wake up tomorrow. One of them is my closest friend in that he knows me best. Maybe I don't know him as much. It's not that I ask him things like "why" after he says he's upset because I don't know he cares. It's because I don't know how much. For some reason, that's vital for me to know concerning him.
What I also know is that many people make me into Superman or put me on a pedestal. They like my writing, think I'm smart, but most of all they think I'm near fucking invincible. Wrong. So, when I collapse in front of them, they can't bear to look at it. "Get over it." "Just wait, things will get better." Now, do any of us like to hear these phrases? If we're honest, we say no. Get over what, and how can we? People wait lifetimes for happiness. But most of all, they're scared. If Superman can be weak after all, what could happen to the rest of us? That's the logic for some of my friends, and I understand that. It's not fair to me, but I do. When one of my mentors finally broke some, I felt scared, too. But I just said, "I know you miss him. You ever need to talk, you know I have class with you fifth block, KP." And he just stared, shocked that I guess a student had caught on to his real emotional reaction that he was hiding from the class when another teacher died. Amazing what things you can pick up. Then, he promptly thanked me and I walked off leaving him with the strangest smile on his face.
I have an amazing girlfriend. She's so damn beautiful. I used to think she was a naive, annoying bitch. And, for awhile, she was. But she matured some. I matured some. We fought all the time, like Jordan and Dr. Cox. I think part of us both liked it, because in the past I've blocked or threatened people when we had fights like my girlfriend and I have had. But I didn't with her. I did call her names a lot when she pissed me off. Expected. What's unexpected is that I saw there was more to her. What's unexpected is that I care about her, like her, and I have no idea why. What's unexpected is that I am falling down a Bugs's rabbit hole and forgetting to take the left turn at Albuquerque. Thanks, babe.
Anyway. This journal was not to boost my ego at all. It was not to make me feel like I'm a great person. It was to show me I'm limited as a person, just like the rest of us. It's cheap therapy, which is exactly as it should be. Like fireflies floating. Yeah.
They're fireflies, Spike. Can't you see them? How they dance...how they dance.
I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns
slowly.
Hopeless
--
--
i'm a million different people from one day to the next.
Yah I do
A hug, just because. ♥
--
Hello world! I love you.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
--
...What wE dO in LifE echOes In EternitY...
--
She said that it’s we who are rushing passed the wind
and that the sky is really below our feet
{ makes it easier to reach for the stars I guess }
`n
--
i'm a million different people from one day to the next.
You might send it to your enemies as well!
It'll really make them stop and think!!!
If you don't receive this back, nobody likes you, and they wish you'd stop bugging them!
If you receive this back 1 time, open up! Find more friends, enemies, or enemies pretending to be friends
If you receive this back 2 times, you're off to a good start! (Unless you sent it to yourself! That's cheating!)
If you receive this back 3 times, you're a good friend.
If you receive this back 4 times, you're truly loved as a friend!!
_____8888888888____________________
____888888888888888_________________
__888888822222228888________________
_888888222I2222288888_______________
888888222222222228888822228888______
888882222222222222288222222222888___
88888222222222LUV22222222222222288__
_8888822222222222222222222222222_88_
__88888222222222222222U22222222__888
___888822222222222222222222222___888
____8888222222222222222222222____888
_____8888222222222222222222_____888_
______8882222222222222222_____8888__
_______888822222222222______888888__
________8888882222______88888888____
_________888888_____888888888_______
__________88888888888888____________
___________888888888________________
____________888888__________________
_____________8888___________________
______________88____________________
______________8_____________________
______________1_____________________
_______________1____________________
________________1___________________
_________________1__________________
__________________1_________________
__________________1_________________
_________________1__________________
________________1___________________
_______________1____________________
______________1_____________________
______________1_____________________
_______________1____________________
________________1___________________
_________________1__________________
__________________1_________________
___________________1__________
YOU'VE BEEN HUGGED!
Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)
RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You -MUST- hug 6 other people, at least!
3- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their user page!
4- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
5- You should most definitely get started hugging right away
Send This To All Your Friends, And Me If I Am 1.
If You Get 7 Back You Are Loved!
1-3: you're a bad friend
4-6: you're an ok friend
7-9: you're a good friend
10-& Up: you're a great friend
--
*Real girls aren't Perfect and Perfect girls aren't Real*
.,?!@#$%^&_-=+=-_&^%$#@!,.
Avatar made by ~Magix39
--
Primum viveri deinde philosophari
Previous Page12345...Next Page